Topic

By: Gaia
Posts: 0
Joined: 18/01/12

Relationships and...sex

Yes, sex! I guess I have your attention now. Well, actually, I'm trying to be funny but this is sort of an awkward topic and I don't find it easy to write about it. But this is still better than to bring it up with people in real life...that would be even more embarrassing. So,...I wonder how people are responding to changes in their sex life triggered by losing weight. Is your partner now more interested in you, or less? I mean physically. And if it's more, how does that make you feel? Resentful in any way?I think my partner found it very difficult watching me gain all this weight and he did admit to using sex as a way of pointing out that it wasn't ok. That is, there was less and less sex. I could understand his frustration but obviously I was hurt by that. Now, weight-wise, things are going downhill rather quickly, which is nice. However, I'm not sure that I want the sex back. I mean, if our sex life would normalize now it would mean that I'm only worthy of it when I'm thin and that it's ok to punish me if I'm fat. It makes it look like I'm losing the weight so that he will approve of me and I hate that thought. Although it's probably true to a degree. Does anyone get what I'm talking about or is this just wild rambling? I remember the last time I lost a lot of weight, people were looking at me so differently. They were respecting me more and treating me better. And I thought less of them because of that. I wonder how that is going to play out in my relationship.... Any thoughts, anyone?

Repeat offender extraordinaire. Rows like a girl. Probably also punches like a girl. Is not about to give up. Boom!

LLT Week #1: -13 lbs LLT Week #2: -4.5 lbs LLT Week #3: -4.5 lbs LLT Week #4: -4.0 lbs LLT Week #5: -2.5 lbs LLT Week #6: Holiday LLT Week #7: +0.5 lbs LLT Week #8: -6 lbs

Replies

  1. RE: Relationships and...sex

    Its normal for sex to take a back seat In a relationship, especially when you have low self esteem due to your weight and being together for a very long time. I found that I wasn't interested in getting close to my hubby as I hated my body and we had very young children- which can kill any passion. Since doing lighter life I have started feeling more confident about myself again and instead of waiting for my hubby to initiate things, I have been the one to initiate being intimate, surprising my hubby and that meant that it was on my terms- not his !!! It has rekindled our relationship and marriage, and I have found my mojo again ....after a very long drought !!!! The more times your intimate with someone, the better it gets and the more you start to feel sexy and empowered !!! Have an early bed time ...... And have fun !!!!!
    Week 1 - 12 lbs,week 2- 1st 3lb, week 3-1st 9lb,week 4 - 1st 12lb,week 5 - 2st 3lb!week 6 - 2st 7lb, week 7- 2st 10lb, week 8 -2st 13lbs, week 9 -3st 2 lb, week 10 - 3st 9 lb, week 11- 3st 11lb, week 12 -4 st week 13 - 4st 3lb, week 14 - 4st 5lb,week 15 - 4st 8lb, week 16 - 4st 10lb,week 17 - 4st 13lb,week 18 - 5st 4lb,week 19 - 5st 7lb,week 20 - 5st 10lb, week 21 - 6 st 1 lb, week 22 - 6st 4lb, week 23 - 6st 7 lb week 24 - 6st 9 lbs and I have finally reached my goal xxxxxxx week 1 - 3.5 lbs, week 2
    Posted: 02/05/2012 14:43 By: Maxiboymum
  2. RE: Relationships and...sex

    I read this thread with interest when it first came up. It made me realise why I love my husband so much. You do get a fair amount of attention from other people and comments about your appearance - even when you're old and married!. On every occasion, my husband has been more proud of the fact that I've taken up running. He makes a point of saying this to everyone and that he is really glad that I've got fitter . He even says it in intimate moments - just to me. He never really focuses on the weight loss but might comment on feeling my newly acquired muscles.

    It really makes me feel that I've achieved something through my own efforts. I never feel that he is judging me or that he didn't love me as I was before. He has never said I look better or worse than before, just that he's glad I feel better and that I'm living a more active an enjoyable life and can share this with him. I feel so lucky to have him and his support :-) I think it's really important to try and surround yourself with people who make you feel good and love you for who you are but I guess they are pretty rare.

    Jox
    Maintaining my weight since January. I feel in control of my eating for the first time in my life and I am fitter, stronger and more active than I have ever been.

    Posted: 02/05/2012 10:06 By: JoH
  3. RE: Relationships and...sex

    Oh my. Half asleep and I so want to respond to this post. Some quick thoughts. What sex? What relationship? Lol. I do know what you mean. I don't mind the attention I get now. It's nice. But I am starting to get annoyed by fact that some people assume and tell me I must be getting loads of attention now and that as I look so good now I must get a man soon. It's almost as if this is my Life's work. To get slim. To get a man. To be now good enough to be in society.

    Of course I realise this is a lot to do with my perception of what people mean but it rubs me up the wrong way. I want to know I'm beautiful from the inside out and that it's not just external appearance that gives me value. I do know this myself. It's just a pain when I feel I'm judged only on external appearance. So yes. Not in a relationship. But I get the sentiment. If and when I do meet someone I'd like to think that although they may have first approached me based on physical attraction that before long they see the test of and real me. Lol. We don't want much do we. I don't envy guys out there.

    Actually I also now think the external confidence we may have attained through going to counselling sessions with lighter life also means men/ partners may feel threatened and be reluctant to make the first move. I said to a mate tonight (who had given me the now bored to death with comment; "oh you must meet someone soon; I'm surprised you've not met someone by now") that just because I may looks and appear confident inside I still may have issues and sensitivities re confidence in relationships that I'd always had having previously been extremely overweight and feeling unattractive. These things are not going to change overnight and do take time. I'm sure it's not just us women who think that. Guys you must have the same dilemmas too I'd guess. Night everyone! :-)-

    lol. Just realised I first replied to this post in February and my views have changed somewhat. Or at least they have come out more as I have more to say now. Is that down to increased confidence tO talk on the subject now I wonder? Just goes to show how we progres along on this journey. ;-)
    Content is edited
    Posted: 02/05/2012 00:29 By: dwil
  4. RE: Relationships and...sex

    I do think in general, men are more visual in all aspects of life. It's not right or wrong, it just 'is'.
    Posted: 01/05/2012 22:44 By: MellorYummyMummy
  5. RE: Relationships and...sex

    I've really appreciated this post re appearing......i'm getting so VERY frustrated and confused by the attention i'm getting, especially from men who knew me when I was fat. I don't like the fact I seem to command more respect now I am slim.....but hope that this is also a side effect of my self esteem these days. I myself believe physical attraction is important, but I know I have also found men who would be classed as overweight very attractive just based on their general aura. Another point I have thought about is that, weight is a side effect of something in my belief.....for me it was low self esteem and low confidence.....so therefore can men sense this? Do men look at overweight women and some how 'sense' an underlying problem. Do slim women give off a more positive vibe? This topic baffles me, but I am very interested in other people's thoughts and beliefs around it!
    Posted: 01/05/2012 19:44 By: lorna14
  6. RE: Relationships and...sex

    I've really appreciated this post re appearing......i'm getting so VERY frustrated and confused by the attention i'm getting, especially from men who knew me when I was fat. I don't like the fact I seem to command more respect now I am slim.....but hope that this is also a side effect of my self esteem these days. I myself believe physical attraction is important, but I know I have also found men who would be classed as overweight very attractive just based on their general aura. Another point I have thought about is that, weight is a side effect of something in my belief.....for me it was low self esteem and low confidence.....so therefore can men sense this? Do men look at overweight women and some how 'sense' an underlying problem. Do slim women give off a more positive vibe? This topic baffles me, but I am very interested in other people's thoughts and beliefs around it!
    Posted: 01/05/2012 19:44 By: lorna14
  7. RE: Relationships and...sex

    I've really appreciated this post re appearing......i'm getting so VERY frustrated and confused by the attention i'm getting, especially from men who knew me when I was fat. I don't like the fact I seem to command more respect now I am slim.....but hope that this is also a side effect of my self esteem these days. I myself believe physical attraction is important, but I know I have also found men who would be classed as overweight very attractive just based on their general aura. Another point I have thought about is that, weight is a side effect of something in my belief.....for me it was low self esteem and low confidence.....so therefore can men sense this? Do men look at overweight women and some how 'sense' an underlying problem. Do slim women give off a more positive vibe? This topic baffles me, but I am very interested in other people's thoughts and beliefs around it!
    Posted: 01/05/2012 19:44 By: lorna14
  8. RE: Relationships and...sex

    Yeah, this is still an interesting and ongoing issue for me. The weightloss has progressed quite a lot further now and I look different. My body looks different. My partner is elated over this and quite vocal about it. From my side, these comments are received in two ways. On the one hand, the bog standard female response is to be very flattered and like the increased positive attention. The other reaction I have is to think "how dare you find me more attractive now? Couldn't you see my amazing personality through the fat beforehand?".

    However, as much as I may not appreciate the way male brains work....I think it is best to recognise reality and talk about it. My partner is by no means a macho or misogynist, but the other day he did admit that he much prefers having a physically attractive girlfriend because it matters to men. Dating someone fat doesn't look good - dating something normal to thin is much better. I think that sucks. But there you have it. At least he's honest about it and doesn't pretend it's not something people think and talk (behind your back) about.

    Repeat offender extraordinaire. Rows like a girl. Probably also punches like a girl. Is not about to give up. Boom!

    LLT Week #1: -13 lbs LLT Week #2: -4.5 lbs LLT Week #3: -4.5 lbs LLT Week #4: -4.0 lbs LLT Week #5: -2.5 lbs LLT Week #6: Holiday LLT Week #7: +0.5 lbs LLT Week #8: -6 lbs

    Posted: 01/05/2012 16:15 By: Gaia
  9. RE: Relationships and...sex

    This is something I am also finding quite hard to deal with, especially being a feminist. As I am not in a relationship, but I am dating and have continued doing so throughout this journey, I have decided not to go out with anybody who knew me when I was fatter. This may be extreme, but I believe I was worthy of love and respect when I was fat and I am now I'm slimmer. I too dislike the idea of being "punished" for being fat. I suppose this issue is similar to the one surrounding compliments. I can tolerate "you look good", I cannot tolerate "you looked bad". Especially from men who I feel have been told they have a right to "own" women's bodies with comments. I'm ranting now! I'm glad you and your partner are being open and honest about this.
    Posted: 01/05/2012 14:49 By: spacenoodle
  10. RE: Relationships and...sex

    Sounds like you have sorted your head a bit Gaia and working out a way to move forward together. I always think that it's better to get it out there and move forward however painful as otherwise it will never be resolved.

    My husband and I have always had quite an active sex life but over the last 2 years I noticed changes on both fronts which I've only just really recognised. I think my husband was less interested in sex but because I felt the need for reassurance that everything was alright I pushed for it,sometimes even when I didn't feel like it. If he turned me down I felt just awful and would blame how I looked even though it said he was just really tired. I know that sounds like a classic excuse but now I feel differently I believe him, especially as we weren't exactly going without. When I started to see results from the weight loss things just completely relaxed, I think because I feel more confidant in myself I don't feel the constant need for reassurance (I was always asking how I look, do you love me etc). Now I feel we have a very healthy relationship as I feel equal (he has never put me down or anything, just they way I felt inside), I'm not as defensive either as before everything little thing I'd jump on and make comparisons with beautiful skinny women on tv, films etc which drove hubby mad. It's not just sex too, it feels so nice to have a warm arm round me in bed with his hand on my tummy and not lie there trying t breath in and thinking how fat it must feel! Ive come to appreciate the little things much more and we are closer because of it. I think it's important to remember that,as I think someone else said, it's unreasonable to expect someone else to love you physically if you don't love yourself. Thanks to LL we can do something about that! C x

    Posted: 09/02/2012 13:18 By: cjbwdp